Pair of Ones
Before we begin this epic tale, a fun madlib i filled out:
A long time ago, there was strife in the kingdom of Atlantis.
The Red-Headed people wanted their freedom from the Odd looking Chairman. The Odd looking Chairman, however, had different plans. He wanted to gallop the Red-Headed people to Strike for the Giant Hamster. The people of Atlantis gathered in the local Saloon to win the Piano. The elder Brush salesman spoke first.
"We must meditate the Chairman, who is now more lukewarm than Odd looking!!! Who will join me?"
"I will," shouted Obi-Wan, the kingdom's bowling pin setter.
"I think your idea is AssHatterific!" said the local Poker blogger. "I'm too vertically challenged for this Rubber duck, anyway. Leisure Suit Larry is a better waste of my 3D Glasses."
The GM smashed his Spleen on the Regis Philbin. "Yipe! Why don't you go play Hopscotch with William Shatner if you don't like the way we play Zork!"
I don't know what it means, either, but it bears hearing.
A long time ago, there was strife in the kingdom of Atlantis.
The Red-Headed people wanted their freedom from the Odd looking Chairman. The Odd looking Chairman, however, had different plans. He wanted to gallop the Red-Headed people to Strike for the Giant Hamster. The people of Atlantis gathered in the local Saloon to win the Piano. The elder Brush salesman spoke first.
"We must meditate the Chairman, who is now more lukewarm than Odd looking!!! Who will join me?"
"I will," shouted Obi-Wan, the kingdom's bowling pin setter.
"I think your idea is AssHatterific!" said the local Poker blogger. "I'm too vertically challenged for this Rubber duck, anyway. Leisure Suit Larry is a better waste of my 3D Glasses."
The GM smashed his Spleen on the Regis Philbin. "Yipe! Why don't you go play Hopscotch with William Shatner if you don't like the way we play Zork!"
I don't know what it means, either, but it bears hearing.
**** **** ****
The Santa Anita mall was overrun with people, so much so that it took us 20 minutes to park. I took comfort that I had insisted on us getting there early, and we found a spot while simultaneously pissing off 2 other cars that had their eye on the same spot. Sorry, guys, i'm running low on gas looking for a spot and I was here first.
My girlfriend Tracy accompanied me into the mall, and I heard someone shout "Chris!" I turned to look, swearing it was the voice of Wil, but I didn't see anyone. We looked around for a couple minutes before giving up and heading into Borders to snag seats.
The autograph table was already set up with books. "Be here at 4PM for Wil Wheaton, who will read from and sign copies of Just A Geek".
"Did you bring your copy to get signed?"
"No, I brought this." I let her peek in my backpack to see the Wesley Crusher action figure we had given as a gag gift for the big winner of our first poker night. I promised Steve I'd get it signed for him, but I was gonna wait until the end of the night. Tracy laughed and we wandered a bit before we snagged drinks and seats in the cafe. I grabbed a copy of The Biggest Game in Town to read while we waited for things to get started.
The crowd was a bit larger than I had predicted in my head. Lots of people with newly purchased books. It reminded me of a standard sci-fi convention crowd: Teenage guys, socially awkward older folks, and hot asian girls. These three demographics dominate the con scene, and i still can't figure out the last one. Anyways, they had made their way here.
Wil took the stage (er, corner of the cafe), and was definitely having a good time. His parents had shown up, and I think he was really excited to have them see him work the room the way he did. He was pumped, you could tell.
Tracy tapped me on the shoulder, laughing.
"What?"
"Look at Wil's clothes." I scanned Wil's ensemble, expecting to be looking for some logo or if he had buttoned his shirt wrong. I found nothing of the sort.
"What am I looking for?"
"Look!"
I did again. Wil was wearing a white collared dress shirt over a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and black Converse shoes.
Then it hit me: *I* was wearing a white dress shirt over a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and black converse shoes.
"Oh my god... I'm offically stalking Wil Wheaton."
"Hush... it's funny!"
I rolled my eyes and shifted my attention back to the reading, which was funny all the way through and never lost the audience (Wil will be happy to know). Everyone cleared out for the autograph line, which was probably 100 people all told. We loitered reading while the line slowly shrunk, and I stole a moment to say hi between signings.
"You sticking around?" Wil asked. I confirmed yes and I went back to my poker book.
Did you know Doyle Brunson was an all star athlete? I had no clue.
We hit a snag as we went up to Dave & Busters for dinner: Wil had so many friends show up, the table was more than full. We volunteered to find a second table, knowing there'd be video games or whatever following the meal and time to hang out and talk. Before sitting down, though, Wil came with Tracy and I to find Guinness, and we went on about poker, getting a home game organized between LA poker bloggers and other serious players (who's up for it? HDouble? Glyphic?), and the blogger tourney... all while Tracy looked on with surprising interest.
Wil told me about his river suckout, which was BRUTAL. In case you didn't hear about it, He went all-in with Jacks against 10-10, and his opponent made a straight on the river. I twisted my face in apparent pain from the tale, though he got to take solace that he made it a lot deeper into the tourney than I did.
(All I know is I finished one spot ahead of Halverson. Mission accomplished, as far as I'm concerned. *evil grin*)
The three of us made our way back to the hostess, who sat our mini-table first. We ended up sitting with Kim, who was a fan of Wil's and a member of his message board. While the big table took awhile to get sat, we got to eat long before they did (a blessing as we were all starving) and our waiter was very cool. He updated me on the World Series throughout the night.
We proclaimed our table "The Kiddy Table" and wore the label with pride. When i'm 30, i'll still be sitting at the kiddy table on holidays. We talked about Star Wars, filmmaking, Los Angeles, dating (Tracy announced we'd passed the 6 month mark, though neither of us are sure of the exact date... we suck), and lots of other much more nerdy topics.
After we finished we ventured into the video game area, and I embarassed myself playing a variation of Dance Dance Revolution while the girls chatted about Harry Potter. I couldn't find any decent games worth the money D&B charged for them, so I left them to chat while I went back to the big table to hang out. The meal was over and a good portion of the guests had left for the night, so I snagged a chair and eavesdropped on Wil and a friend talking webhosting and other subjects juuuust over my head.
After a bit, Wil's stepson Ryan came back, announcing the pool table they'd been waiting for had opened up. I got invited to join and ran to find the girls again so they knew where we were.
Pool went on for awhile and mostly Ryan schooled both myself and Wil, in between long expansive stretches of mass sucking. The horrible kind of pool when you hope nobody's looking. We just joked about our lack of talent and how Ryan was some kind of mathematical god, finding the angles he did on some of his shots.
We started calling Ryan "Captain Pythagoras". Yes, we are that big of dorks.
Oh yeah: You know that awkward feeling when you know who someone is, but you don't wanna introduce yourself, because they're not going to have any idea who you are? I finally met Wil's wife Anne, who immediately asked "Did you play in that tourney with Wil?" after i mentioned i was a writer. I was mid-sentence when Tracy started laughing, and I turned and she joked that she wasn't really looking and had almost given Wil a huge bear hug, thinking Wil was me.
"For future reference, Chris's sleeves are rolled up," Wil informed her with a broad smile on his face.
"And remember, hun, I'm almost a foot taller," I shot back.
After a few more games, we finally wandered out, and i remembered that I had brought a camera to get a picture of Wil and I for the blog. I decided my camera phone would be sufficient, and Anne snapped a picture. Tracy took a look.
"No, that's way too dark," she said. "Take out your digital camera."
No, that's alright, it's an okay picture and we're on the borderline of overstaying our welcome. "It's alright, besides, I left the camera in the car."
"No you didn't, it's in your backpack." Tracy didn't pick up on the hint, and I rooted through my backpack, acting half surprised when I found it. I turned it on, and it quickly died.
"Batteries are dead... oh well." I shoved it back in the backpack, trying to end things there, and started to say goodbyes with Wil's family, who was awaiting their car to be picked up from valet.
"You have spare batteries, I saw you pack them." Oh no, she's right. Tracy would be a great poker player, i think. Here she is calling my bluff all the way to the river.
I decide there's no way out of this, and start trying to replace the batteries as quick as I possibly can. Now i *know* we're overstaying our welcome, and I make a crack about being able to make a simple photo the most complicated process known to man. Tracy snags the photo of our goat throwing, and the Wheaton clan piles into the car after final-final-yes that's the last of them-goodbyes.
Tracy and I walked to our car, and I wore a big smile on my face.
"Thanks for bringing me to meet Wil, that was fun!" I had scored major points for the evening, getting to make like I was one of the cool kids.
"Hey, you never got the action figure signed," Tracy observed. "We should go back and see if they're still..." I shot her a look that questioned her sanity.
"Right. Next time, then."
"Yes. Next time."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There's the "I'm being goofy" goat throwing, and then there's the "Back off, Bitch, I'm Wil Wheaton" goat throw. I forget which is which though.
The Santa Anita mall was overrun with people, so much so that it took us 20 minutes to park. I took comfort that I had insisted on us getting there early, and we found a spot while simultaneously pissing off 2 other cars that had their eye on the same spot. Sorry, guys, i'm running low on gas looking for a spot and I was here first.
My girlfriend Tracy accompanied me into the mall, and I heard someone shout "Chris!" I turned to look, swearing it was the voice of Wil, but I didn't see anyone. We looked around for a couple minutes before giving up and heading into Borders to snag seats.
The autograph table was already set up with books. "Be here at 4PM for Wil Wheaton, who will read from and sign copies of Just A Geek".
"Did you bring your copy to get signed?"
"No, I brought this." I let her peek in my backpack to see the Wesley Crusher action figure we had given as a gag gift for the big winner of our first poker night. I promised Steve I'd get it signed for him, but I was gonna wait until the end of the night. Tracy laughed and we wandered a bit before we snagged drinks and seats in the cafe. I grabbed a copy of The Biggest Game in Town to read while we waited for things to get started.
The crowd was a bit larger than I had predicted in my head. Lots of people with newly purchased books. It reminded me of a standard sci-fi convention crowd: Teenage guys, socially awkward older folks, and hot asian girls. These three demographics dominate the con scene, and i still can't figure out the last one. Anyways, they had made their way here.
Wil took the stage (er, corner of the cafe), and was definitely having a good time. His parents had shown up, and I think he was really excited to have them see him work the room the way he did. He was pumped, you could tell.
Tracy tapped me on the shoulder, laughing.
"What?"
"Look at Wil's clothes." I scanned Wil's ensemble, expecting to be looking for some logo or if he had buttoned his shirt wrong. I found nothing of the sort.
"What am I looking for?"
"Look!"
I did again. Wil was wearing a white collared dress shirt over a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and black Converse shoes.
Then it hit me: *I* was wearing a white dress shirt over a white t-shirt, blue jeans, and black converse shoes.
"Oh my god... I'm offically stalking Wil Wheaton."
"Hush... it's funny!"
I rolled my eyes and shifted my attention back to the reading, which was funny all the way through and never lost the audience (Wil will be happy to know). Everyone cleared out for the autograph line, which was probably 100 people all told. We loitered reading while the line slowly shrunk, and I stole a moment to say hi between signings.
"You sticking around?" Wil asked. I confirmed yes and I went back to my poker book.
Did you know Doyle Brunson was an all star athlete? I had no clue.
We hit a snag as we went up to Dave & Busters for dinner: Wil had so many friends show up, the table was more than full. We volunteered to find a second table, knowing there'd be video games or whatever following the meal and time to hang out and talk. Before sitting down, though, Wil came with Tracy and I to find Guinness, and we went on about poker, getting a home game organized between LA poker bloggers and other serious players (who's up for it? HDouble? Glyphic?), and the blogger tourney... all while Tracy looked on with surprising interest.
Wil told me about his river suckout, which was BRUTAL. In case you didn't hear about it, He went all-in with Jacks against 10-10, and his opponent made a straight on the river. I twisted my face in apparent pain from the tale, though he got to take solace that he made it a lot deeper into the tourney than I did.
(All I know is I finished one spot ahead of Halverson. Mission accomplished, as far as I'm concerned. *evil grin*)
The three of us made our way back to the hostess, who sat our mini-table first. We ended up sitting with Kim, who was a fan of Wil's and a member of his message board. While the big table took awhile to get sat, we got to eat long before they did (a blessing as we were all starving) and our waiter was very cool. He updated me on the World Series throughout the night.
We proclaimed our table "The Kiddy Table" and wore the label with pride. When i'm 30, i'll still be sitting at the kiddy table on holidays. We talked about Star Wars, filmmaking, Los Angeles, dating (Tracy announced we'd passed the 6 month mark, though neither of us are sure of the exact date... we suck), and lots of other much more nerdy topics.
After we finished we ventured into the video game area, and I embarassed myself playing a variation of Dance Dance Revolution while the girls chatted about Harry Potter. I couldn't find any decent games worth the money D&B charged for them, so I left them to chat while I went back to the big table to hang out. The meal was over and a good portion of the guests had left for the night, so I snagged a chair and eavesdropped on Wil and a friend talking webhosting and other subjects juuuust over my head.
After a bit, Wil's stepson Ryan came back, announcing the pool table they'd been waiting for had opened up. I got invited to join and ran to find the girls again so they knew where we were.
Pool went on for awhile and mostly Ryan schooled both myself and Wil, in between long expansive stretches of mass sucking. The horrible kind of pool when you hope nobody's looking. We just joked about our lack of talent and how Ryan was some kind of mathematical god, finding the angles he did on some of his shots.
We started calling Ryan "Captain Pythagoras". Yes, we are that big of dorks.
Oh yeah: You know that awkward feeling when you know who someone is, but you don't wanna introduce yourself, because they're not going to have any idea who you are? I finally met Wil's wife Anne, who immediately asked "Did you play in that tourney with Wil?" after i mentioned i was a writer. I was mid-sentence when Tracy started laughing, and I turned and she joked that she wasn't really looking and had almost given Wil a huge bear hug, thinking Wil was me.
"For future reference, Chris's sleeves are rolled up," Wil informed her with a broad smile on his face.
"And remember, hun, I'm almost a foot taller," I shot back.
After a few more games, we finally wandered out, and i remembered that I had brought a camera to get a picture of Wil and I for the blog. I decided my camera phone would be sufficient, and Anne snapped a picture. Tracy took a look.
"No, that's way too dark," she said. "Take out your digital camera."
No, that's alright, it's an okay picture and we're on the borderline of overstaying our welcome. "It's alright, besides, I left the camera in the car."
"No you didn't, it's in your backpack." Tracy didn't pick up on the hint, and I rooted through my backpack, acting half surprised when I found it. I turned it on, and it quickly died.
"Batteries are dead... oh well." I shoved it back in the backpack, trying to end things there, and started to say goodbyes with Wil's family, who was awaiting their car to be picked up from valet.
"You have spare batteries, I saw you pack them." Oh no, she's right. Tracy would be a great poker player, i think. Here she is calling my bluff all the way to the river.
I decide there's no way out of this, and start trying to replace the batteries as quick as I possibly can. Now i *know* we're overstaying our welcome, and I make a crack about being able to make a simple photo the most complicated process known to man. Tracy snags the photo of our goat throwing, and the Wheaton clan piles into the car after final-final-yes that's the last of them-goodbyes.
Tracy and I walked to our car, and I wore a big smile on my face.
"Thanks for bringing me to meet Wil, that was fun!" I had scored major points for the evening, getting to make like I was one of the cool kids.
"Hey, you never got the action figure signed," Tracy observed. "We should go back and see if they're still..." I shot her a look that questioned her sanity.
"Right. Next time, then."
"Yes. Next time."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There's the "I'm being goofy" goat throwing, and then there's the "Back off, Bitch, I'm Wil Wheaton" goat throw. I forget which is which though.
posted by Chris Hanel at
1:18 AM
